I feel... lonely. The only problem is it's in a way I can't fix. I mean, I have friends to talk to, my family, obviously, but I'm lonely in that way.

Trust me, I'm very weirded out that I'm so afraid of the very thing I feel like I need. Falling in love seems nice in theory, but terrifying in reality.

Or maybe that's just how it seems till you do it. I don't know. All I know is I'm 21 years old, and I'm tired of mulling over the fact every waking hour that I've never experienced that. Not really. At least not where the other person notices and reciprocates.

It's not like anyone has ever noticed, and I guess that's weird too.

Do I have a big sign on my forehead saying, "Leave Me Alone. Forever."? Honestly. What is the deal?

Also, I'm about ready to bitchslap my hormones, because I really want a baby. Like, really, really badly. Now, if it was possible.

Oh, go ahead and laugh. I know how dumb that sounds. I saw about a billion babies and little ones at the zoo yesterday, and that didn't do me any good. They were all so adorable, and the way my luck is going I'll never get to have one.

I mean, I'm really starting to think I have no other purpose. All I seem to want is to be married, financially stable, and have babies. How old fashioned of me. But it really doesn't have anything to do with being old fashioned, though I am a bit. I'm not really good at much of anything, but I'm naturally maternal. I can whip a house into shape in under three hours. I can sew, cook if I know what I'm doing, clean, etc. Sure it doesn't sound exciting, but I'm not a very exciting person.

On the other hand, I can pick a job and do it, which I'll have to do eventually if I'm alone. But I won't like it. Not for one second. I'll have to force myself out of bed to work every morning, and be lonely and miserable the whole time. I don't need work to fulfill me, because I know that it won't.

That is my perplexing situation. Joy.

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