It finally freaked me out so much I had an anxiety attack. I was just so convinced that something was terribly wrong that I flipped. I haven't had a panic attack since I was 12. Not once. So it was weird, and I'd forgotten how absolutely terrifying they are. I'm not even sure what caused them back then, but last night was pretty bad.

I finally managed to get myself calmed down, and read for awhile, then went to sleep with the aid of some Advil and Benadryl. The Advil for my back, and the Benadryl to knock me out. It worked till about 7 this morning when I woke up and didn't feel so hot again. I went back to bed after Charmed, and slept a lot more, but I guess all the rest helped some, because I've been better tonight. I hope I don't do any of that crap again anytime soon. It was most unpleasant.

So I'm just sitting here wide awake and bored after having slept most of the day. I really need to get a life. I have far too much time to sit around and think about myself and the way I feel. I try not to, and most of the time I succeed, but sometimes not so much.

I just wish I wanted something. I didn't know you could exist without ambition, but apparently it's possible. I know I'm a big, fat disappointment. I should be doing something. But I don't want anything here. I don't want anything to do with here. And if I get a job here or go to the lame college here I'm stuck. If I could even get into the lame college before 2007 with all the tests I'd have to take to get in. God. School is so stupid. It's just school. The people in the education system make it seem like life and death. If they really wanted people to learn, they'd let them in to learn.

That whole thing just freaks me out. Or maybe life in general just freaks me out.

I am so screwed.

latest | archive | about | notes | readers | guestbook
| dland