2:50 a.m.-November 15, 2003 I feel so alone. Ugh. And I hate feeling that way. I feel it in the friends sense, family, being a singleton... It's just all the way around tonight.
I like being alone when I choose to be, but I didn't choose this kind of isolation. I feel judged around my family, my friends are all either too busy or too far away, even though that's not their fault, and I don't really want to date. I want a relationship, but I don't want to relentlessly and nerve-wrackingly date a bunch of guys to find one.
In order to do that, I would have to know where to find a non-rapist, non-abuser, non-psycho, and honestly, what are the chances these days?
I would love to be able to just pick up the phone and ask someone to the movies or something, but I can't. I don't have anyone but Becca, and she's got too many other things going. I should be grateful that she does find time for me at all, and I am. We're her second family, and she never fails to remind us.
But I need something else. I wish I could take all the wonderful people I know that are so far away, and line us all up to live on the same street. lol But life's not fair, so it didn't place me where the people that share my interests and get me are.
And I feel like such a burden to everyone. I can't stop thinking, and I use these things to vent, and I know everyone probably reads them, even though they don't have to. I've been so miserable and upset lately that I just keep venting, and it's probably the same thing over and over. My brain feels raw, and my head hurts, and I'm tired. I'm afraid everyone thinks I'm a messed up headcase, when I'm really just so alone and confused I don't know what to do anymore.
I cannot explain this frustration to anyone. It's like I'm stuck and about to crawl out of my skin at the same time. Sometimes I'm so empty, and other times I'm so full I could burst. I'm miserable and dead, I'm alive and happy. I just don't know anymore.
God, I need a therapist.
I'm trying to break free of the depression, I really am. Today it felt like there was a little progression when I wanted the job at Ace, and I tried not to slip back down when it wasn't there anymore. That was my fault, in reality. I could've had it a week ago, but I hesitated, and I had to talk myself into doing something so perfectly mundane as filling out a job application, and stupidly, I lost the opportunity. And when I truly wanted it too.
I wanted to work in a nice little place that was all decorated for Christmas. A place that wasn't teeming with too many people. A place that wouldn't be so high pressure to learn things in. And I was scared. I'm a 21 year old grown woman who is a total and complete wimp. And even I wonder how a little job could throw me, after what I've been through and the things I've seen. Nothing in this world should scare me that much anymore, but it does. I seem to have redeveloped the anxiety problem that hasn't bothered me since I was 12, and it's trying to take over my life.
I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I was always the "normal" one. Now I'm just the one everyone talks about when I'm not in the room and worries about. And I'm just alone, trying desperately to help myself and keep my head above this stupid water.
But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
'Cause nothing I have is truly mine
While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
Well how can I say I'm alive
If my life is for rent...
Meh - January 26, 2005
Hide me from the scary liberals! - October 29, 2004
Hiya there - October 15, 2004
Anger Managment Needed - July 31, 2004
I Give the World the Finger - July 27, 2004