Yeah, I'll finish the stupid thing and it'll only be 20000 words. Just you watch. I'm apparently a horribly minimalist writer, and I'll never be able to write anything long. Maybe short stories for magazines, but nothing long.

I suck.

What else can I say? Still have no life. Junior won the race yesterday, so that's good news, but apparently there's at least a few people who think I am overly obsessed with racing. (This is not my family, by the way.)

And I guess I am, since all I wanna do is move to North Carolina and drown in it. But how do I explain that to anyone? Why does anyone want to be an accountant, or a lawyer, or a doctor, or a singer, or an actor, or a mechanic? Sometimes it's just because they love it, and I don't know how to explain it any other way.

I want to be a track photographer, or work in PR (though PR probably isn't the best choice for an anti-social freak like me), or just anything, as long as I'm there.

Of course, my life's gotta get unscrewed up first, and I'm not holding my breath really. I have responsibilities here, things that I can't control, and can't be helped. But if I abandon my family now, I'll be no better than Matt or Samantha, and I can't do that to my parents. They need help, and if I leave my mom can't do everything alone. I just have to accept that's the way things are at the moment, no matter how I want them to be otherwise.

Fate stuck me with being the oldest, and these are the things that the oldest faces, I guess. Though no one should have a chronically ill parent at my age, but Fate dealt that card, too, and I can't trade it in or give it back. Though to make my dad better, and to have a normal life you can make damn sure I would in a heartbeat.

I know no one understands my life, and it would be hard to unless you were living it, and I wouldn't wish that on anybody. So if I seem strange, or obsessed with things that have nothing to do with me in the big scheme of things, then you just have to accept that as part of who I am. Part of it is because I've always been "obsessive" about the things I love, always. Then another part of it is escapism, because if I didn't have something other than my life as it is to focus on, I would go nuts.

And where all that came from I have very little idea. Contrary to popular belief, I am mentally stable, but not in a good situation, and we all have coping mechanisms. There are people out there that have it worse than I do though, so I just have to deal.

I gotta go put my laundry in the dryer now. *sigh*

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