3 years. Three years I have wanted this, and I'm not one step closer than I was three years ago. If that's not sad, I don't know what is.

Of course, I picked the wrong time to decide what I wanted out of life, simply because that was the exact same time everything chose to fall apart.

I remember the exact same month I finally had the epiphany that I prayed for for so long, I found out Dad was sick.

The summer following that, Jessie was diagnosed with cancer, and in the fall she died.

I finally knew what I wanted, and at the same time my family, the people I'm closest to in the world, was falling apart.

Still falling part, only slower now, and the sheer uncertainty of what's going to happen to my dad who's not only too young to be disabled, but too young to die, is what keeps me here.

I could go, but I would be miserable there for not being here. Maybe moreso, since my family is just that, my family, and my responsibility.

Any other time I could leave them and be relatively certain they would be there whenever I needed to come back. But to leave my mom to do everything, and with a house full of guys just seems unfair to me. I'm the one she leans on, that she talks to because she can't talk to them. I'm the only one she has. And she'd never hold me here forcefully, but I don't want to do that to her. I don't want to do it to myself, because I would feel horrible about it.

What's funny is I never really do anything for myself. Everything I do is usually because of other people. Not like I'm depriving myself of anything intentionally, but it's just what... happens. Like an instinct, something I never think about, just do. I've been told a million times I'm very maternal by nature, and I guess that's why I have an overwhelming need to take care of everyone else. I don't mean to mother people or anything, it just comes out.

So I guess that's why I feel selfish so easily, and guilty if I'm not that way all the time.

I don't know. I'm rambling out loud here.

I haven't felt this way in awhile. I got a brief reprieve from needing to be there and not here. I don't know where it went. It never went away completely, but I got a badly needed break before I drove myself insane over it. I still don't know why I feel pulled there. The reasons would seem obvious, but I don't think that's it. At least, not all of it. I've never felt "lead" to do anything in my life. Not till this anyway.

I would settle for visiting the damn state. Just to see if it felt right. Maybe then I'd know.

I don't have anything to lose here. I don't have anything in this town or this state that's keeping me here. Except my family. I'm happy just about anywhere as long as I have a room, and a TV, computer, and air conditioning. I'm not that hard to please.

My parents have been messing around about moving somewhere else. I don't think they mean it, but even if they don't, I still push for NC every time they bring it up. It might be the only way right now, and they don't really have anything here any more than I do. We only moved back here because Matt and Samantha wanted to, and then they both moved out.

I'm not going to find my motivation here, not when I hate this place. Not when everything has turned me down. I might have a chance there though, because it's where I want to be.

We'll see. Something's gotta happen. I have to know sooner or later. Otherwise I'll just keep wondering, and it's already been three years. That's a long time to wonder, and I don't let things go easily, if ever.

Man, I need a therapist.

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